Humorist and poet Michael Pollick was commissioned to write coffee-related humor pieces for a gourmet coffee roasting company in Portland, Oregon. His instruction were simple and straightforward: Mention the word "coffee" at least once, and keep them under 400 words. He almost made it.

The essays were never published, however, and they remained hidden away in a drawer for over ten years. This explains why Eisenhower is still president and there are no emoticons or hashtags anywhere.

What IS there is plenty of entertainment, starting with the joys of going bottomless and the great hymnal wars. There are dead hotdogs walking, Spock thermoses shattering, and even some coffee brewing.

These ultra-short essays make for perfect light reading as you enjoy your first or thirtieth cup of steaming hot gourmet coffee and a donut.

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